ahfujsnbvsuibyhvbshb!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Whatever. I tried to make lemonade… still pretty sour. I’m in a stressed/annoyed/mad-at-the-world kind of mood, and can’t sleep, so don’t expect to hear happy thoughts, or words of encouragement…just bear with me. I’m usually a pretty positive and happy-go-lucky type of person, but it’s just one of those days. Seriously, this is what’s going through my head right now at 1:34 am, “ahfujsnbvsuibyhvbshb!!!!!!!!!!!!!” those exclamation marks don’t do me justice; they’re just giving me a bigger headache. 

I’m not sure in what direction this post will go, or what the theme of it will be, but I just want to write and try to at least keep up with one of my goals for the year (ugh, I can’t believe it’s almost April). Here goes, I didn’t have to work today, so I got to sleep in, maybe that’s why I can’t seem to fall asleep, but in my defense “sleeping in” was me waking up at 9:30am (an hour later than usual). After getting up, I worked out, and ran some errands. Later, I came home, made dinner, BS’ed with my roommate, watched TV, and now here I am. WIDE EFFIN’ AWOKE. Again, ahfujsnbvsuibyhvbshb!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, that’s the last of my outbursts.

Regardless of how beautiful it has been these past few days, I just can’t seem to fully enjoy the weather. I’ve been unusually tired these days, probably because I haven’t been sleeping through the night, and I’m just stressed. It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly what the source of my stress is, I just feel like there are so many things in my life that are not necessarily going wrong, but are more like in a standstill. Now lately, pressure has been coinciding with my stress, and most of you already know that paranoia has always one of my best friends. Stress, pressure, and paranoia…one of the worst cocktails ever…believe me… I tried it, it’s gross.

I guess I’m stressed because things don’t seem to be happening the way I planned, but I should have foreseen this, because rarely does life ever unfold the way that we think it will. I thought that by this time, I would have known if I had gotten into grad school, planned my summer events/vacations, saved more money, moved on from past relationships, and maybe, just maybe, seen some change in myself (for the better, of course). I feel pressure from every direction whatsoever to accomplish these things and you would think that would motivate me enough to do something, but no, it’s not. It’s just scaring me, and making me more counter productive. And, I’m paranoid about everything (let’s just leave it at that, and not get into the details of my paranoia).

OK… Just realized something, I’m holding myself back — phew, I’m not just venting, this post is actually making a point. Life is messy and complicated and you just have to learn to deal with that. Shit happens, and people get in the way but the only person that can stop you from doing you, is… yup, you guessed it…you. So what if things don’t happen exactly the way you planned? Can’t just give up… I’d rather fail miserably than never try.

Good night friends.

:::puma:::

My turn.

8 am – 10 am: Wake Up. Shower. Eat Breakfast. Get Dressed.

10 am – 6 pm: Work. Lunch. More Work.

6 pm – 7 pm: Traffic.

7 pm – 9 pm: Volunteering.

9 pm – 11 pm: Dinner. TV….and what I’ve been excited for all day – SLEEP!

Yes, that’s just a typical Tuesday for me… it took me about 2 minutes to describe my entire day. Being only 25 years old… that’s just sad. Why isn’t my life as exciting as those “gossip girls” I see on TV? Growing up we are taught to work hard, do things for others, be good people, etc… but what about making time for ourselves? As adults, we get so wrapped up in the mundane routine that we call “life” and it seems like we tend to forget about ourselves.  

Lately, I’ve been feeling like my life has become so – for lack of better words – “blah”. My weekdays have become so predictable, and my weekends have become so unadventurous. I remember when I used to stay out all night long, and be able to go to work or class the next morning tired and hung-over. In college I went out religiously, Wednesday to Sunday, never missed a beat. But now, just the thought of going out on a weeknight makes me hesitant. I don’t know what’s stopping me now though, I’m single, I have no real responsibilities (i.e. children, mortgage, etc.), and I actually make money (phew – no more natty light or bankers club). It would make sense for me to want to go out and enjoy myself now that I actually have the means to do so!

Maybe all I need to do is make some time for myself. Make time for me to do the things that I enjoy or that are good for me, so… may be not necessarily going out and partying till the break of dawn everyday, but taking a break every once in awhile to let loose or pamper myself. There are plenty of things that I enjoy, crocheting (I know, that’s pretty lame), trying new restaurants, traveling, visiting friends, shopping… and the list goes on… For once in my life I’m going to be selfish (just for a little while). It’s my turn, I deserve it, and I’m going to make myself happy.

Recently, I’ve realized the things that you accept in life turn out to be the things that you regret the most. That being said, my super-late-new-years-resolution is to not accept my life as being “blah” and start taking time out to do things for the most important person in my life, me. I don’t want to look back in 5 years, or even next year, and think about all the things I could have done. I don’t want to regret anything. Like I said, it’s my turn.

:::puma:::

Black and White.

When I was in middle school I used to go back and forth between wanting to become a teacher and a lawyer.  When I found out that lawyers could essentially “buy” a teacher, I quickly dropped the idea of helping people in the classroom to wanting to help people in the courtroom.  But as I found out what becoming a lawyer meant, picking a side and defending an action you may not agree with, I changed my mind again.

See, my life is gray.  I don’t mean that in an “I’m-depressed-and-all-I-want-to-do-is-lay-in-bed-and-eat-ice-cream” type gray (although I would love to lie in bed and eat ice cream everyday).  I’m the type to see two sides of every story.  Notice the good in people and understand that there is a devil in all of us.  My vision is blurred.  There is no distinction between black and white…and it’s kind of a downfall.

Yes, it’s great to be Switzerland once in awhile, but come on ya’ll, we all know that China’s having the best year ever a lot of fun threatening the world with explosive material.  Ok, maybe that wasn’t a good example, but you get the point.  To be in the middle and not have a solid opinion could be seen as a form of weakness.  I say this because to have an opinion means you are gathering information about a topic, formulating a judgment about the information gathered, and then being able to defend why you think Heinz is better than Hunts.

But for me, personally, it’s my ego that puts me in the middle.  I hate being told I’m wrong.  Although I think I have gotten better with accepting that I am not a “know it all”, it takes a lot out of me to acknowledge that. But, everything is a learning experience and it’s OK to confess that you’ve been saying “nip it in the butt” when it’s really “nip it in the bud”.

::peacock::

Score

Ahh, the “to do” list. Whether its on a napkin in your wallet or formulating in your mind as you commute to work, it’s constantly nagging at you like the second mother you never needed. There are always a few things that keep getting repeated on every list you write, the bigger picture things like going to graduate school, saving money for that big trip to Europe that involves quitting your comfortable job, or anything else that requires a little risk, a little faith in yourself. I call those long term goals, the place you see yourself in a year, or maybe 10 years, but these goals require you to take steps now. So start. What are you waiting for? Write that personal statement for your grad school applications. Tell your boss you’re quitting in a month. It’s so simple, right? But you can’t. For some reason, you can’t take one tiny step forward. You feel a wall in front you, keeping you in that same very place you’ve been in for months, or maybe years.

There are a few “go-getters” that have no problem with motivation, but for the rest of us there is another way. I look at my life as a series of phases. Every small achievement is another obstacle that I have overcome. They can be anything, literally. Organize your living room. Join a belly dancing class. Start and finish a crossword puzzle. Read that book you borrowed from your friend last spring. These tasks can be broken down one more level, I call these short term goals. Before attacking a large task like rearranging your apartment, start by putting up that shelf that has been collecting dust in your living room. If you join a series of dance classes, look at each completed class as a mini hurdle you’ve leaped over. That 900 page book will seem a little shorter when you set a goal of reading 1 or 2 chapters a day. Think about all the time you’ve spent just thinking about getting these things done. Give yourself the time you deserve to actually do them.

I choose yoga. I spend 90 minutes in a 104 degree room to purge all the negative energy that has accumulated over the week. I start with just getting to class. No matter what is going on that Saturday afternoon, I remember I made a promise to myself. Excuses running through my mind, I make my way to the studio. As soon as I walk in, I set up my mat in front of a floor to ceiling mirror. For an hour an a half I get to focus purely on myself, isolated from my cell phone, friends, family and anything else that occupies my daily life. My eyes are open so I stay present in the room and acknowledge myself in that large scale mirror. You don’t realize how hard it is to just look at yourself, in to your own eyes, until you are forced to. As class progresses, my heart pumps so hard, I swear everyone else in the room can hear it. Sweat drips off my arms and legs like icicles slowly melting in the bright sun. My body is relaxing, the stress frozen in my stiff limbs is thawing. I will feel, more than once, like I want to give up. Before I know it, it’s over. For a moment, my head is clear. My own short term goal has been achieved, and I feel like I can conquer the world. One micro monkey has jumped off my back, and I can stand a little taller. I choose something physical because the next morning, my sore muscles remind me of what I have accomplished. Score! That’s one more for me, and I’m ready for the next goal.

All these short term goals help you remember that this life, is yours. You command it, it does not command you. That person that you want to be and the things you talk about doing are not BS. All those things are significant, and you can choose to achieve them. As puma said before, become a “do-er.” You may be doing something right now that you can classify as a short term goal. Finish it.

:python:

So long… Farewell….

‘You need to just let it go’, a phrase that I’ve heard numerous times from my friends/family… more easily said than done. To me when someone says “let it go” it means that I need that to stop, I have reached the end, and there is nothing else I can do…it means, goodbye.

Now, here’s MY problem: I wasn’t raised to be quitter, and I’m stubborn as hell, so saying goodbye to something or someone has never been easy for me to do. I try, try, try, and try to make things work, but the older I get, I begin to realize that there are some situations that you really do just need to let go. In my opinion, deep down inside you know that some things are just not meant to be, and it doesn’t matter how hard you to try to make it work, it just doesn’t… the hard part is realizing that it’s OK to quit (sometimes)!! It’s time to learn that saying GOODbye, can be a GOOD thing.

When it comes to people, saying goodbye is not necessarily the hardest part. For me, it’s learning to not say hello again. For whatever BS reason you give yourself and your friends for letting someone back into your life, more than likely, the truth is, you do it because you’re vulnerable. It’s so easy to slip back into something that’s routine, trust me, I know — bad habits are hard to break. No one said it was going to be easy, but learn from your mistakes, and move on. If I can do it, you can do it. Not too long ago, I had to  say goodbye to someone, it hurt…ugh…it hurt a lot, and all I could think was “wow, this blows”, but I also thought “I never want to feel this way again”. At first I thought going back would make this distressed feeling go away, but after going back once, twice, ok, ok, 8 times (give or take a few), I finally learned. To make this feeling go away permanently, I need to slam close the door, permanently.

OK, door’s closed, feeling alone? Probably. Whose fault is that? Yours. You chose to be alone, like peacock said, you are in charge of your own feelings. You have plenty of people (family, friends, co-workers…try to stay away from the random “jerks off’s”) to surround yourself with, you know you do. Finally, here’s the GOOD part, saying goodbye to someone/something old, means that you now have the chance to say “hi there” to someone/something new. Tell me, what are you letting go? Who are you saying goodbye to? Hopefully, for me, it’s going to be goodbye loser-living-in-his-parents-basement, and hello grad school (*fingers crossed*).

:::puma:::

Be Kind, Rewind.

Before there were mail order DVD rentals or instant movies ordered on your television, there was the video store. Movie nights consisted of getting in the car and driving to the local Blockbuster or Purple Potamus – I know, what a ridiculous name for a movie store, but I digress. You and your family or friends would peruse the aisles for something you were in the mood for. At home you pop your movie into the VCR, but what is that plastered lengthwise on the tape? If you’ve ever rented a movie (and by movie I mean VHS) from a video store, you know what I’m talking about – “Be Kind Rewind.” That oh-so-gentle reminder to rewind your tape after viewing. Let’s take a moment to examine that phrase. It says, “Be Kind” when it could say something like, “You must” or “Don’t go forget to.” You see, by saying “Be Kind” they are trying to appeal to your conscience. They are saying “Dear Kind Video Renter, please be considerate of the next viewer of your movie selection and rewind the tape for them.”

It is in these choice words, we can learn a lesson. What is it that we can take away from this message? Commit acts of kindness, whenever possible. We can all do better and start off our mornings by saying “Today, I will be kind.” I know what you’re thinking – “But what about that jerk that works in my office or that guy that cut me off on the highway?” I hear you. I hear you loud and clear. I know those people and I have to encounter them, too. I’m not telling you this will always be easy. I know that people you encounter throughout your day may bring out the worst in you but remember, you always have the chance to take the high road. You always have the opportunity to be kind. Sure, I have been known to give the occasional death stare to that “Office Jerk” or the stink eye to that person who conveniently shuts the elevator door in my face. I do. I’ll admit it. But I also pick up trash in front of my neighbors house, leave food next to sleeping homeless people and smile at the woman in the elevator who is looking me up and down – and I don’t mean in a good way. Why? Well, at the end of the day these small acts of kindness add to what I like to call a “Piggy Bank of Character” or what the Buddhist call “Karma.” Each and every act of kindness, whether small or large, makes a difference. If you are kind, you can be sure at the end of the day you have done good – unless you are “kind” to the teller of the bank you are robbing, which in that case doesn’t count. My point is, the only person that knows who are deep down inside is you. You know who you are and you’re the only one that has to live with it.

So, when you get the chance – rewind that videotape*, open the door for someone, hold that elevator door open, say “please” and “thank you.” You won’t regret it.

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain

*I know no one rents videos anymore, just humor me for the sake of the story.

:panda:

fails.faves.fools.Friday.

Fail:

My brother crashing his car into our own driveway. How does that happen? Then having to call a tow truck to tow his car from the middle of our driveway to the end of the driveway.

Fave:

I learned new word and I’m going to try to use it more often — Flibbertigibbet: a silly, flighty, or excessively talkative person.

Fool:

I love the first few days of American Idol — “Pants on the Floor”

:::puma:::

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fail:

Pat Robertson & Rush Limbaugh.

• Pat Robertson is an evangelical preacher that said Haitians “swore a pact to the Devil” in the past, hence the earthquake.

• Rush Limbaugh accused that President Obama was using the events in Haiti for an opportunity to look compassionate to the world. .

Keith Olbermann Slams Limbaugh And Robertson with a response mirrored to my thoughts.

Stop politicizing the events in Haiti and offer some aide!!

Fave:

My co-worker and I watch this at least once a week.

Fool:

Me. For having a ridiculously wild night Saturday only to wake up in my bed with a chipped front tooth. Thank got it’s not “Hangover” style missing, nor is it noticeable to the naked eye. I’d like to say I’ll stay away from drinking for a while but it’s been a long, tough week and Happy Hour can’t come soon enough!

Enjoy “Bad Decision” Friday and we look forward to hearing your fails.faves.fools. of the week!!

::peacock::

Patience is a virtue.

Picture this, you’re driving, and not too far away you see a yellow light, what do you do? More than likely, you speed up and try to run through the traffic light before it turns red, right? Of course you do – but should you really do it? No. In all actuality, the yellow light means “GO SLOWLY, PROCEED WITH CAUTION”. That sounds pretty alarming to me, why do I still ignore it? Me personally, I’m impatient. I can’t wait. I need to get to the end.

Go slowly, proceed with caution, we can refer to this as the “yellow light theory”. This theory is particularly useful when it comes to relationships. Often time’s females ignore the signs that are so blatantly placed in front of them because they are so wrapped up in wanting a man to put a ring on it. And men, they see these yellow lights too, but they go through even faster. They don’t want to wait to get to know a girl, before putting her to bed.

We’re all guilty of speeding through a yellow light here and there, but when does it become dangerous and just plain stupid? It’s when we keep doing it, when we become enthralled by the race to get to the end – better known as desperation. I’ll admit it, at times I feel like I’ve been desperate enough to just settle for the next guy that winks at me from across the bar. Fortunately, I have good friends that prevent me from making bad decisions, and remind me that I can do better, I deserve better. We need to learn when it’s the right time to just sit back and wait. I know this is not something easy to do, especially, when you see that all of your friends are getting engaged/married, and you feel like you’ll be the only single one in your group of friends. But it’s OK, you have to remind yourself, that everyone starts out solo, and hopefully in time, you too,  will find your other half. It’s worth the wait.

So remember, next time, you see that yellow light – go slowly, proceed with caution, and say this out loud “I can do better, I deserve better, and I am better”.

:::puma:::

Let Go. Let Flow.

It’s obvious. Men and women are two completely different species.  Outside of the obvious physical differences, men and women tend to use different “bibles” to figure each other out.  In the past couple months, I have dealt with several girlfriends who compulsively check their phone like OCD patients.  We’ve all been in that situation.  Relying on the guy to continue the great conversation that’s really not so great over text messaging.  Anxiously awaiting a reply that will be scrutinized, analyzed, romanticized, idealized, and any other word ending in “-zed.”  Hoping he’ll show that he’s interested in you by taking you out somewhere that involves drinking, heavily, with hopes that your easy enough to go against everything your mommy lectured to you when giving you the birds and the bees speech.

And where does that get us ladies?  Usually, in a Groundhog like situation where the main male role is replaced by a semi-charming Mr. Smith.  And where the female is left feeling powerless.  And there in lies the main problem.  Power.  Power is an important part of our self-esteem.  When we feel we will be THAT single girl forever, it is power we are so wastefully throwing away.  When our brain is sub/consciously consumed with thoughts of our fantasy man it is time wasted that could have been effectively allocated in an activity that brought personal satisfaction.  Sometimes we need to look in a mirror that doesn’t belong to Disney and ask not, “Who is fairest” but rather “Who is most important?”

As girls we are taught to take care of others around us.  BUMP. THAT.  We need to learn to make ourselves happy first.  We need to realize that we have just as much control in a phone conversation as our male counterpart.  Do not let a man influence the flavor of your mood.  Take control.  Ask yourself what will really make you happy?  9 times out of 10 I guarantee it will be yourself.  And although you may not be able to control your life, you are capable of controlling you. 

So Let Go. and Let Flow. and see where you take yourself.

::peacock::

fails.faves.fools.Friday.

How many times in a week do we shake our heads in disbelief, glad we aren’t in the other persons shoes?  Or think to ourselves, “Dang, S/he’s a fool for that!”  How often do we really stop and smell the roses around us and truly appreciate the little things in life?  Probably not as often as we should…Hence, the creation of our weekly Friday segment so cleverly titled, fails.faves.fools.Friday. We hope you share these fine moments with us as we have shared our finest with you!

Fail: On his birthday, Gibert Arenus gets indefinitely suspended from the NBA without pay.

Fav: I asked my mom what her happiest moment was, her response: “I don’t have one, I’m waiting for you to get married”  Thanks mom.

Fool: Snooki from the Jersey Shore gets punched in the face for a second time, in the same spot.  When will this girl ever learn?  I love to hate Snooki.

:::puma:::

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fail: My cousin’s trip to London/Paris/Budapest was a disaster.  Here are two of her facebook updates throughout the trip:

Delayed flight, missed connection, detained (due to incorrect passport embassy issued), impounded passport, 10 hrs at embassy, still no luggage after 5 days! The joys of traveling!

5hrs on Heathrow runway, 7hr flight, 5hrs stranded in Montreal overnight, 2.5hrs of intense security checkpoints at 4am, 2hrs to get the stoned passenger sitting behind me off of the plane, 2hr ride home…24hrs later, I’ve never been so happy to be back home! Sigh. Def won’t be traveling for a while!

Fav: A co-worker of mine received this from a client the other day and I absolutely loved it!  I kept playing it over and over like a child.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I did (pause):

http://extranet.accessakingump.com/HolidayCard/ww_eblast/index.html

Fool: Tila Tequila

::peacock::